Kapybara The Art Collective

Say hi to Panic, Professor, Esther, and The Retrospective Ghost — the four voices in my head

I started 2023 immensely stressed. No particular reason — just a bunch of projects I somehow managed to stack on top of each other by the end of 2022. I did nothing to stop the tasks from accumulating. Come January, the Christmas holiday was done and I achieved absolutely nothing during it.

This realization made me fall into a dark cycle. The projects, urgent as they were, were pressuring me far more than they were motivating. Most of them started off as passion projects — distant dreams that I had somehow finally had the miraculous opportunity to tackle. How was it possible then that they were now looming in the back of my mind in a similar fashion to traumas and other unpleasant thoughts that I have tucked in tight to reduce the risk of accidentally stumbling upon them at an idle hour?

Days would go by procrastinating, lying in bed scrolling the phone, stressing about casual interactions in various messaging apps, and feeling so bad at the end of the day that it was impossible to fall asleep. I would stay up until 4 to 6 am, and wake up around 2 pm, exhausted. It was a silent battle in the way that should you be there to observe me, there would not be much to see. But inside my head, I was panicking — I felt like I was about to die any second now.

I tried to reason with myself. Surely you will not die. Why would you be in any danger? But this reasoning did not help. A little evil voice was always there whispering stuff like this: You could die. Every second, someone is dying. Why would that someone not be you?

Sometimes a house collapses on you. Sometimes, a bullet finds its way through the crack of a window and makes the person who was not part of a dispute on the street an unlucky casualty. Sometimes you have a cerebral aneurysm causing a fatal stroke. Even young people can have them. It´s rare, but never impossible.

These kind of thoughts kept me on my toes most of the time. I spent my days wondering how anyone got anything done at all with this constant uncertainty. It was driving me crazy — but there were people, a lot of people, going about their day as if it was promised to them.

The Bible teaches: “Do not brag about tomorrow, since you don´t know what a day will bring.” (Proverbs 27:1)

But my stress, sleep deprivation, and anxiety seemed to turn this thought into:

“Fear for your life all day, every day, since you will probably die the next second.”

My brain knows that the Bible also clearly tells you there´s nothing to be afraid of for those who put their trust in Jesus:

“Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don´t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.” (Matthew 6:28–30)

This my clouded mind would interpret like so:

“But the flowers are thrown into the fire. That will happen to me. I am happy one day and then — poof, I am gone. Burned.”

But that is not the point of the passage, I realize now, having survived to the other side of the fog. The passage illustrates how detail-oriented God is. He has seen every single frightened thought running rampant in my tired brain. And I bet He has been shaking his head at them.

It took me almost an entire month to pick myself up again.

And how did I do that?

---

Picture this — it has been almost 2 weeks of elusive mortal danger looming over the inner dialogue in my head. The participants of the dialogue are two voices in my head. Let´s call them Panic and Professor. Professor likes to make a lot of rational, altogether ineffective statements that usually fly right past my emotional core personality. And Panic — well, Panic just likes to scream.

So there they were, Panic and Professor, taking part in a lengthy DDD (=Discourse on Definitive Demise). Panic was presenting more or less fabricated scenarios for my immediate future. Professor was countering them with arguments rooted in the library of facts and assumptions situated in the house that is my core personality. Then suddenly, a new thought was presented.

The voice was quite small at first. While Panic and Professor (what an amazing band name that would be :D) were raging on as usual, the voice would clear her throat and whisper faintly: Psst! Let´s go get a library card.

Panic would barely hear, for it was once again giving a loud lecture about the dangers of NYC (you could literally get shot any second!). Professor would stop to think for a moment. Did he hear something? But then, Panic presents another ludicrous statement about the state of the mole it is sure is cancerous and Professor feels compelled to direct his attention its way (We just checked a mole two months ago — they are always benign). The new little voice, let´s call her Esther, feels quite ignored and sits down in embarrassment.

Now, usually, Esther gets a lot of leeway. She comes up with the best ideas and makes me motivated and happy. But lately, Panic and Professor have been so relentless about their DDD that she has not had one moment to present her views. The Retrospective Ghost, a fourth voice, who she usually fights over my mental state (prices for these fights: depression or joy — inspiration or stagnation), has been completely idle. It is currently looming in the corner, just solemnly watching over the other two doing the job of shutting me down for it.

Esther feels a bit discouraged. But somehow, after watching Professor, who on some occasions makes for such a great companion (she warmly remembers one of their latest collaborations, where he helped her make sure I was able to make both a song and a music video — an effort that required both courage and organization), but who is currently stuck in a loop with Panic (If you walk on the street and look alert, people will not try to pull weird stuff on you. — Yes, but if you look too alert, you will stand out and make for a target. Remember to smile. But don´t smile too much. Now your eyes are too disoriented. But absentmindedness speaks of confidence!), she gets frustrated. Enough is enough!

She stands up and utters louder: C´mon guys! Let´s go to the library and get a library card. It has so many benefits —

Panic is forced to interrupt his yelling over Professor, and hurries to mend the inconvenience by attacking Esther: We will not get a library card, we are not even officially a resident of this country yet-

Esther forces it to stop: What harm is there to try? Nothing can happen —

Professor seems delighted to hear Esther take over the conversation and adds: Jina (that´s my friend) did mention that we can use the library card to get discounts at museums. That would be nice, wouldn´t it?

Panic puckers its mouth angrily, but can find nothing to say. The Retrospective Ghost, hovering in the corner, tries to sweep in: And how are we going to do that when all of our time is spent on useless things… We have not moved since this morning. We are so very useless.

Esther shakes her head. Now she is determined. The Ghost does not have it in it to compete with her on this. She says: We will get some fresh air at the same time. C´mon, it´s better than scrolling for another hour. And maybe we find something exciting, something new to learn for the beginning of the year?

Professor nods forcefully; he loves to learn new things. He echoes: Yes indeed, we can kill two birds with one stone!

He also loves it when I can kill two birds with one stone.

Panic is now completely silenced. It goes into the corner with The Retrospective Ghost. No doubt to scheme for a weak moment somewhere in the near future, Esther thinks. But she is going to take this win. Tuula, the emotional core personality, really needs it.

---

And so I found myself walking towards the library. I did feel nervous and slightly desperate. But I was walking nevertheless. And I did manage to get a library card. It was easy. And I went and borrowed 3 books:

One was about Chinese business etiquette. One was a compilation of academic essays on fairy tales. And one was about autistic traits in women.

I cannot help but be pedantic and add that it took me a lot more than a trip to the library to get over the gloomy beginning of 2023. I started a strict habit of writing down the plan for my day before going to bed, which makes it easier to do a lot of scattered tasks without feeling like everything is falling apart. I have also been adding a little time to read the books I borrow every day. And any excuse to get out of the house is great, even if all my trips would be directed to the same address — the place to get more books.

So far I have been managing quite well, but it´s been only a bit over a week. I am not gullible enough to think I will be able to keep up with a constant flow of productivity from this moment until eternity. But it´s good to be back to the surface for now.

Maybe next time, when I find myself falling into a valley of darkness, I will remember how small a break from the pattern can disturb the cycle. It will start as something silly. At first, you barely notice it. You don´t want to listen. But at this stage, you must force yourself to do so. Just a second of letting go will do it.

I have no doubt from whom this little hopeful idea will come, when it is needed.

Thank God for libraries.

This article was first published on Medium on Jan 26, 2023.

This article was written using only natural stupidity. I hope you get the joke, because I do not want to farm engagement for the real keywords, if I can help it.